I read this blog called the single Dad Laughing. There have been many posts by SDL that have hit me straight through my heart. Here are some of the links to those articles.http://www.danoah.com/2010/09/disease-called-perfection.html Some have made me cry and some make me laugh. What I love about this blog is the honesty in it. The fact that SDL can wear his heart on his sleeve in his blog is just amazing to me. He shares his failures, his accomplishments but most importantly he shares himself. It takes courage to do what he is doing and by this he has gained a huge following. Probably not on purpose but well he can’t go back now. Well maybe he could but it’s obviously been a disguised blessing after it’s all written and posted. I don’t wish to copy his blog but to get a little more real with mine.
I love to write. I’ve been writing for a long time. It started in grade school making up short stories and poems. For the record though my writing has had to go through some transformations. Meaning that my poor grammar skills have had to improve. I still have so much to re-learn and learn again. I will like to eventually post my school experiences as a child but for now at least you know when there isn’t a period somewhere maybe there should be. I know with modern day technology I can cheat but I try not to. My writing further continued in high school adding lyrics to my guitar playing and also keeping a journal. I’m still at it today with trying to write lyrics for all my incomplete songs. I started writing to help my anxiety with my parents divorce. Writing has always been a good tool to help me through my emotions (because I’m very emotional). I’m hoping in the New Year I can write how I want to write and express how I truly feel on my blog, even if it’s not the most uplifting of subjects. I am not trying to complain but just work at being comfortable with expressing myself without feeling guilty about what others might think about it. Or whom I will piss off for that particular day!
I started this blog a few years ago intending it to be my online journal and I really enjoy sharing my opinions and my joy and some of the many pictures I take. What I am reluctant to share is my pain, my sorrow, discouragements and frustrations. I have yet to let you in on the imperfection in my life. So I will start with something that has plagued me for many years. A burden in my heart that at this point I must walk away from and maybe never turn back. This might not come out nice but I will try my hardest to not let my frustration get the best of me.
Moving here has been very exciting. I love Texas it is a nice place with a different feel then California. The weather minus the drought has been bearable especially coming from such a nice place called the Central Coast of California. The people you meet are different here from the west and it’s been a great experience all together.
I knew coming here would be hard on me. I’m a city girl that loves the city life. I like live bands and good restaurants. I liked having the freedom to get in my car and drive. I liked being close to most of all my family and friends. I knew I needed a change and what was the most compelling thing was I wanted to be a full time stay at home Mom not a part time one. I knew leaving my jobs behind would be tough. I knew that I was not going to have the freedom I once did.
The first night we came here was the first realization this is going to be tough. I knew months ahead would be painful as the realization set in. As our income was cut in half and all credit cards chopped up. The first week I couldn’t stand walking on ply wood floors as the dirt filled my toes and I had to wipe them down just to get into bed. The noises from the forest outside made me feel timid and small and just the littlest spider would freak me out. Then came numerous scorpions’ from outside that I tell you are far worse looking then the spiders. Then more realization set in there is no trash service (I will talk more about no trash soon) and all the promises made by the owner of the home vanished as soon as we stepped foot into our new place. I was thankful to have a place because a few weeks prior we were living in our car.
My Mom had a terrible reaction to me leaving California. I am her only kid and of course my kids are her only grandkids. We we’re leaving her all alone and well you can imagine the emotional realization of that. It was an emotional time for all of us. It was better to remove ourselves from the situation so we left not knowing where we were going to stay. I wished that some hurtful words weren’t passed back between my Mom and my husband but it happened and both of them regret it. Once again the storm cloud that I thought was gone was back again. The relationships were strong and good and then bam just like that they were back to the beginning at least for my Husband and my Mom.
More anxiety filled my heart as Zach had to call his Parents once again to rescue us. Once again I’m living with my in-laws and at this point I was so done with everything that I could of got on a bus and never looked back! Then even more anxiety came rushing in. We are moving 1500 miles away from all my friends and my family. I was hopeful though and thought well at least some of Zach’s family live there so we won’t feel so desolate.
The realization of those hopeful thoughts quickly left me as the reality of my relations with Zachary’s family set in. I promised myself that I wasn’t going to let past events dictate my future here with them. I was going to start clean. I was approaching it with a forgiving heart, holding no grudges. I did just that because I don’t do bitter well. I am not a bitter girl and I never will be. As the months passed we would be invited to a bbq here and there with the family. I tried not to be offended over all the projects they would do on the weekdays. I guess I had high expectations to be invited over with my kids since we all home school. I figured the cousins could play and do projects and well be a family. My expectations have slowly been taking blows since. Now to a point of I don’t expect anything from them and nor do I want anything from them.
I ask myself why do I care so much? Why do I want to be a family? Not just a family but also a close and united family? Well I think it might stem from never having one. My Parents were divorced by the time I was 8(well sort of, it was a long ugly road) and I really have never known what its like to be part of a family. Well at least not a big one with brothers and sisters and all. I was excited to marry into a big family! My hopes for having a brother and sister had finally come true! For the record it hasn’t been all-bad, there have been some really great memories with the family and I love them dearly despite our differences. They all have done very nice things for us and I’m grateful for that. There are a few brothers that have always done me right and I’m thankful for their support and non-judgmental attitudes.
I then came to the realization that this would be a hard task in hand trying to help unite us. Unfortunately, I have failed miserably because one cannot unite alone. Each person must make effort and must make the necessary steps to improve the situations that occur.
As these last few months have been really tough on me with Warren passing. I remember talking to Warren about my frustrations with the family and he told me he would be my brother. He told me that we don’t need to be blood to be brother and sister; those words will ring in my ears forever. He treated me like a sister and I got a glimpse of that bond and I’m truly blessed to have known him. He was real no sugar coated or silenced bullshit and well that’s how I roll so we meshed well. I also have other friends that have become my family. All the while I was chasing after the love and acceptance from Zach’s family, I ignored and put off those who truly care for me.
It took Warren’s death to realize that you can’t win somebody’s love. No matter how hard you try. If people want you in there life they will make the time and show the effort. If they love you they will act and show you that they do. His or her love might be different from how you love but all in all love is a feeling that you give to someone and you either do it or you don’t. You can say you love someone all day long but until you act on it, that is when it really counts. I understand why Zachary doesn’t try with his family. He knows deep down they will never love him the way he wants to be loved by them. So he ignores it and most of the time ignores them. It’s been like that since he was young. I never knew this until I opened my blind eyes to it. I unfortunately got the barrage of cruel words from my husband’s inactions recently. I guess that was the final straws for me. I don’t plan on disassociating myself completely but I don’t plan on making any effort in the feet that I’ve been up against the last 12 years. It’s not my battle anymore to try to make my husband get together with his family. I have my family now and that is my Husband and my kids. I’m satisfied with that. I’m blessed that God has given me a new life; free from the one I came from. Some in life are dealt a big deck of cards with people they take for granted or people they cherish like 2 Parents still married and siblings. Some of us are dealt sadness and sorrow from events that one cannot control, like cancer and divorce or poor decisions from our one Parent. Sometimes the cards don’t always lay the way I would like them to lay and well that’s life for you it is tough!
As hard as I’ve tried all these years, I guess I’ve learned I tried way to hard for you cannot win love, affection, or time, you just can’t. No one got a chance to truly know me because they never took the time. You never let yourself try. The mistakes I’ve made along the way have let you stay in that zone of grudges. You fear whatever it is you think I am. You pushed away and ignored it. It was always something I gave so freely but all I wanted was some time. No possessions, just your time and to be included. What is truly sad is that it’s not even intentional or maybe it is, I hope not. I believe some will never be aware of what I’ve gone through by trying so hard and what my husband has had to go through watching me tragically chase after something he has never felt he had in the first place, nor will they care to notice or even care at all. Until they start picking apart the good In people they will always see the bad.
Sad but true I’ve lost my way to you.
Here are a few more from sdl that really,really rock! Well I got a lot out of them I hope you do too!
